When someone you love shares something about their sexual orientation or gender identity, they are trusting you with something personal. It can be an honest and vulnerable moment, and everyone deserves to feel respected, heard and accepted.

We often use the phrase “coming out” to describe sharing our LGBTQ+ identity with others. But where did this phrase come from, and is there another way of thinking about the experience?

Where did “coming out” come from?

“Coming out” is now a familiar phrase for sharing your sexual orientation or gender identity with others, but its history is more interesting than you might expect.

The expression has roots in the idea of being introduced to a wider social world. In the early 20th century, variations of “coming out” were used within LGBTQ+ communities, including around social events and drag balls, to describe being introduced to others within the community.

Over time, the meaning evolved. “Coming out” became increasingly associated with someone choosing to share their LGBTQ+ identity with friends, family, colleagues or the wider world.

For many people, coming out can be a positive and empowering experience — a chance to be open about who they are, build stronger connections and feel more comfortable being themselves.

The phrase does, however, reflect a time when being open about an LGBTQ+ identity could be difficult or even unsafe. Understanding this history helps explain why language around identity continues to evolve.

Today, “coming out” remains a widely understood and meaningful phrase for many people. Others prefer different language, such as “inviting in”, because it puts the focus on choice, trust and deciding who to share your identity with.

There isn't one right way to describe the experience. The most important thing is that people have the freedom to choose the words that feel right for them.

Coming out can be empowering

It is important not to overlook the positive history associated with coming out, either.

One of the most famous examples is Harvey Milk, an LGBTQ+ activist and politician in California. During the 1978 campaign against Proposition 6, Milk encouraged LGBTQ+ people to be open about their identities, arguing that personal connections could help challenge discrimination.

For many people, coming out can still be an incredibly empowering experience. Being able to live openly, tell people you trust who you are, and find acceptance within your community can be hugely meaningful.

But coming out isn't the same experience for everyone.

Is “inviting in” a more empowering alternative?

Some people have suggested thinking about self-disclosure differently — not as “coming out”, but as “inviting people in.”

The idea is simple: rather than imagining that someone is emerging from a hidden place and asking others for acceptance, “inviting in” puts the emphasis on choice and agency.

US television personality and LGBTQ+ advocate Karamo Brown has spoken about this distinction, describing “coming out” as an expression that can give other people the power to accept or reject you. His preferred framing is about choosing who to invite into your life.

The concept has also been discussed within LGBTQ+ media and advocacy, particularly as a way of challenging the assumption that heterosexuality and being cisgender are the default.

“Inviting in” isn't necessarily a replacement for “coming out”, and not everyone uses or identifies with the term. For some, “coming out” remains the most natural and meaningful way to describe their experience.

The important thing is that people should be able to describe their own experiences in whatever way feels right for them.

Taking the pressure out of coming out

There is no obligation to disclose your sexual orientation or gender identity.

Someone may tell their family, friends or colleagues. They may tell only a few trusted people. They may choose not to disclose at all. Their identity is no less valid because they haven't shared it with everyone around them.

This is particularly important because coming out can still involve genuine risks. Someone may be worried about rejection, discrimination, losing relationships, or simply not knowing how the people around them will react.

Thinking of disclosure as “inviting people in” can therefore be useful because it emphasises that the person sharing their identity gets to decide who they trust, when they share, and what boundaries they need.

And if someone does choose to invite you in, one of the most valuable things you can do is listen.

How can you respond when someone comes out to you?

There isn't a perfect script. A simple response such as “Thank you for trusting me” can go a long way.

You don't need to have all the answers. You don't need to make the moment about your own feelings. Instead, listen, respect their identity and ask how you can support them.

If they have shared their pronouns or asked you to use a different name, make a genuine effort to use them. If you make a mistake, correct yourself and move on.

Most importantly, remember that they have chosen to share something personal with you.

Coming out or inviting in?

“Coming out” has a long and sometimes complicated history, and for many LGBTQ+ people it remains an important and empowering part of their identity.

“Inviting in” offers another perspective — one that puts greater emphasis on choice, boundaries and personal agency.

Neither phrase has to be right for everyone.

Whether someone describes their experience as coming out, inviting people in, sharing their identity, or simply being themselves, what matters most is that they feel safe and respected in doing so.

If someone you love trusts you enough to share this part of themselves, listen with an open mind, respect their boundaries and let them set the pace.

That's a good place to start.

If you have thoughts or experiences you'd like to share, we'd love to hear from you. Leave a comment below or get in touch at hello@butlerandgrace.co.

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